Benny Sip


Abandoning The Search

How often I have heard from some young person, full of zest and wonder, yearning for the world, an unmistakable enthusiasm in their eyes, the innocent and timeless words "I'm searching for my self." And I seeing something, perhaps a reflection of my former self cannot help but smile and sigh.

Of course, having known exactly how it felt to have once upon a time been young and full of zest and wonder, yearning for the world with that unmistakable light shining in my eyes. But I, I have learned that a person can run around the world 10 times over in search of something that all along rested in the palms of his or her hands.

You see, we have been told, taught to believe, that somewhere out there a higher self, the best version of ourselves, waits to be found and that we will encounter it, most likely in some discrete place, often in nature, a far away mountain top, a secret waterfall or perhaps within the walls of some old cemetery or derelict building graffitied in words of peace and harmony. So hastily, enthusiastically, we go searching for it. 

But it is not. There is not such a self, or place, or some natural sanctuary where it awaits our arrival. And as pretty or nice as it sounds, there simply is not. And despite how much I do love mountain tops and secret waterfalls and derelict tattooed abandoned buildings, these places are much more conducive for losing one's self than pursuing this thing that one already knows intimately and holds in the palms of his or her hands.

So I, I have abandoned the search having learned there is another space. A space where one loses sense of time and place, where one forgets everything all together. Because yes, yes, I have been there and perhaps you have too.

So I have decided to go there as often as able, that empty space somewhere between the white blank page and the end of my pen. Where imagination and creation have a chance to blend. And I, I lost, forget myself and everything I am or have ever pretended to be. Knowing now that I do not need to run anywhere but here.

~ Abandoning The Search ~

Ben Sippola